The First Christmas
The story of the first Christmas is a long and time consuming story, too long to tell, So here it is. Ever since God decided to swap gifts and goodwill on the 24th of December we have had Christmas Eve, the second best day of the year, but this isn't the story of Christmas Eve, it's the story of Christmas. Christmas was invented in 1967 by some German farmers looking for revenge for Hitler's untimely suicide, one of the German farmers thought that Jesus being born on Christmas day was to much of a coincidence, but if you were to read any Bible nowadays you would see that it is not that far fetched, so the other German farmers killed that one farmer. The most famous German farmer, Hans Ackermann, created the theory of taking Jesus' last name and adding it on to -mas, Boy George wasn't very happy about this decision, but honestly who really cares about famous people who think they can get away with anything just because their famous, I mean if a normal person was to be a terrible mother and singer who's porn movie got released without their consent they would be condescended but Britney just sits in her house bitchin' about paparazzi. So Boy George got murdered by a really angry lightning bolt, so the German farmers decided not to bother. Whilst this theory of Christmas was being invented the zombie of Jesus Christ thought it'd be a great time to come out of the Natural History Museum to let the German farmers know what actually happened but the corpse of Boy George wasn't to happy about this him self so he decided to run a campaign about, many people joined his murderous campaign, half the population of Pluto was murdered but according to recent studies, scientist decided that Pluto was to small to be classed as an actual planet so George Bush was happy to let Boy George and his followers out of Guantano Mobay, their first act after being released was to help the German farmers finish the Christmas story. Just as the German farmers, Boy George and his followers put the finishing touches on to the Christmas story some angry Jewish came with the old testament claiming that Jesus never really existed but we all know that is a whole bunch of baloney because 97.5% of people in the world has seen that Family Guy episode where Stewie seen a guy who looked exactly like him so he went to Chicago to look for him but when he does find him it turns out it's Stewie from the future and then he says that he went on holiday to the past to see Jesus and that's how we know that Jesus actually existed. After some Jew on German on Boy George arguing they all decided it would be best to keep quiet about this story so they put the napkin on which the theory was written upon and put it in a Heineken beer bottle and buried it next to the skeleton of Sir Richard Nixon, and the story of Christmas was lost forever, until the year of 1989 when Bill Clinton was digging for is dignity unluckily only found the remains of that very special Burger King napkin, while assuring the nation of America that he "did not have sexual relations with that women" he also told in an exclusive tell all interview with Heat magazine that he had come up with the Christmas story but unsurprisingly those faithful German farmers came back form the dead to tell the News of the World newspaper that as a matter of fact that it was them that came up with the story, the public (including The Village People) did not believe the story so they bought heat instead of News of the World, that was the same year that News of the World went out of business, this was about the same time as Jesus' third coming and he wasn't very happy with Mr. Clinton because that as everybody knows that Jesus and Presidents are natural enemies, So with the help of zombie Hitler, Jesus destroyed Bill and all politicians. And because of Jesus' tell all story to Heat magazine the truth about Christmas unveiled itself and that is the true story of Christmas.
